Final stretch (marks)

cavernous

cavernous

I started sprouting stretch marks on my stomach.  I’m used to the white, squiggles that spread like a stocking run.  But the red ones?  The ones that I never had throughout my whole pregnancy with Nathan?  They’re here.  At first, when I saw these raised lines, I said, “Please let that be where my pants were just too tight on my skin!”  But no, it was where my baby was too tight for my body, where he is trying to scratch his way out because he’s tired of hearing the way the refrigerator sounds when the door unseals.  Now on the cusp of 40 weeks, it looks like someone tried to barbeque me, or I branded myself when I got too hungry and leaned into the Weber grill to get to the spareribs, using only my mouth to retrieve the meat and instead of a maw full of tasty char, it’s BOOM! ROASTED!

And this is terrible for my post-partum  ideas of attending Interracial Sexy Time Parties/Leukemia Fundraisers.  I bet I would walk into that shag-carpeted den and people would eye my belly map and sneer a “Um, we’ll pass!” before heading back to the bowl of keys.* 

I have been told to rub lotion on my stomach and believe me friends, it most certainly has PUT THE LOTION ON THE SKIN.  Then it puts the lotion in the basket because I don’t have a dog like Buffalo Bill’s but I do have a mother who will take moments like that to say, “Be like me and be organized!” which is surely followed by, “You should wear briefs!  Thongs are not nice!” Like during Vatican II, it was declared that mass would be in English, not Latin and MONA’S THONGS ARE NOT NICE.

I’m in a sweet pre-baby state where I can say things like, “I will work out every day!” (Ha!) or “I will implement a healthy way of living!”  (HA HA!)  I know I’ll have to find that balance because I’m over 200 pounds right now and not even at my chubbiest, fattest, junkiest in the trunkiest days was I ever this weight.  I would like to recognize my body again.  To say that I’m PHAT and mean, Pretty Hot And Tempting and not Pretty Hot, Active Thyroid. 

39 weeks

39 weeks

*sometimes I make jokes that Mike insists no one would get unless they also graduated from high school in 1974.  But you’d come to my key party, right?  At least you’d think about it? 

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Comments

  1. You’re too funny! you poor thing, though… TIME TO COME OUT, BABY- YOU’RE DONE!!

  2. You look wonderful. I have a few stretchmarks but I’m thinking that they are residuals from the last pregnancy 8 years ago. I’m also over 200 pounds and my doctor’s want me to stay as low as possible. It’s hard when I started in the 180s low 190s. My eating habits had to change because of the gestational diabetes and I’m sure that’s what is keeping my weight gain at bay.

  3. You look fantastic! And I would totally come to your key party.

  4. I would come to your party and we’ll have a stretchmark-off. My c-section scar has faded to almost nothing but damn if those stretchmarks aren’t still there showing off.

  5. I’ve been battling stretch marks since I was a skinny 12 year old and got them from stretching in gymnastics. I think the first mark of this pregnancy showed up at 10 weeks. My mom is the same way – we apparently don’t have much elastin in our skin. But now I have a cool pattern on my belly! I think it also tells the secret to where the island is on Lost. Better than any stupid tatoo…. right?

  6. Sorry, I’m gonna have to pass on the key party…because those things are just nasty.
    “Mona’s thongs are not nice”
    Sweet jebus that is funny.

  7. Mona those red stretch marks are your battle scars 🙂
    What’s a key party??

  8. If you wear that dress I’ll come to your key party 🙂 You look great! And plus, if the stretch marks don’t go away you’ll have something to blame your boys for FOREVER! Mwah ha ha ha ha!

  9. I love you Mona. You look beautiful and I can’t wait to meet the baby!

  10. i still think you’re super cute. and no one can bust out an 80s reference like you. unmatched.

  11. Aww…you look cute in that polka-dot dress. Hope the baby comes soon!

  12. I’ll come to your key party/leukemia fundraiser. You look great!

  13. Hey, I totally got the key party joke, and I graduated from high school in 2004! I KNOW.
    Also, you look totes amazing! Which is good since you’ll want to look your best for your induction into the Hall of Women Who Are Pregnant Forever.

  14. Whatever, sister. you still look pretty hot and tempting to me! hubba hubba!

    Kathryn is on day 5 of SupahCold and upstairs screeeeaming at Ben that she does not want to go to sleep. And I think I want another???

  15. Pregnant women is one of the sample that can have a lot of stretch marks on the body, once our skin is expanded thats the time we can easily see stretch lines in the sidings of tummy.
    Janice recently posted..how to get rid of stretch marks

  16. During my pregnancy, I don’t have scars at my belly but I have on thighs. I’m conscious on wearing shorts that can be seen my laugh lines in my body.
    Cynthia recently posted..stretch mark removal

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