an open letter to the gentleman who broke into my car



Dear Sir(s): 

I came across your act of urban douchebaggery earlier today and was not pleased.  Not only did you smash out my passenger side window, you rifled through my car and attempted to steal my stereo.  But instead of stealing it, you merely broke it and left it disabled.  Now the CD I burned for my mother with Crystal Gale and Buck Owens tracks is stuck in there for the near future, my stereo a broken coffin of slide guitar riffs and lyrics about love that’s above and beyond the call of looo-oo-ooove.

I wish you had contacted me before seizing on my vehicle.  If you had simply knocked on my door and said, “Dear Madam, I am about to violate your personal property, is there anything in that car you can offer that would keep me from committing such vehicular trespass?”  

I would be delighted!  I would offer you my selection of mix cds which you also seemed to have passed over, a veritable font of what I listened to in 2003!  There’s Beyonce!  Gwen Stefani!  The Killers!  Sean Paul!     

What?  R&B does not whet your appetite?  How about my Fleetwood Mac’s Greatest Hits which I didn’t burn correctly so you can’t choose different tracks and you cannot skip through but really, why would you want to?!?  It’s Fleetwood Mac!

But yet you overlooked these treasures,
broke my window and walked away, a few ashtray pennies richer (but you forgot last year’s Monopoly pieces from McDonalds–that could be worth something!  All I needed was Illinois Avenue… and every other piece available.)

I hope you are happy with these small trinkets and that when someone scavenges through your car in the wee hours, you know the pain of finding out that a thief has discovered your 1998 Destiny’s Child album and thought, “This is worth its weight in gold!  CASH 4 GOLD!”


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  1. That sucks. Don’t you guys have a garage?

  2. This made me giggle. Thank you for making my Sunday morning.

  3. Oh Mona. I’m sorry. What kind of a turd does that sort of thing. :/

  4. I’ve had that happen to me. But in my case, the thief did make off with our radio. And what really irked me at the time is that if my brother-in-law had not parked in our space (which I asked him repeatedly not to do), we probably would’ve avoided that situation since our spot was right in front of our apartment and the spot that the car was broken into was right by the street.
    I hope this doesn’t get you down.

  5. Are you sure it is a male?

  6. Oh that sucks donkey balls. Sorry.

  7. Jerk!

  8. OMG Sometimes people suck so hard – with the suction of a thousand sucking things! It makes me feel all head-butty. Sorry…

  9. Aw, that really sucks. I’m sorry that your car got broken into and that they left it in such horrible shape. I don’t know what goes through people’s heads sometimes.

  10. That just stinks! A pox on the perpetrator’s head. No. Better yet, may theycontract a debilitating head cold. Not a quick one, but the kind that hangs on for two-going-on-three weeks, wracking their body with chest-burning, throat-searing coughs that prevent sleeping for more than 23 minutes at a time for the entire three weeks. Said cold should also be accompanied by uncontrollable nasal drip that causes a raw nose from day three onward, one plugged ear drum, and a touch of nausea whenever they stand up. Or lie down. Or sit still. Or move. And as they reach for their second box of 120-count tissues (not the lotion kind: store is all out. Ha!), they should realize that karma is a bi*ch and she keeps detailed notes. 🙂

    Same thing happened to me with a 12 year old Honda. Which begs the question: how stupid are the thieves who think they’re going to come up on a treasure trove from just basic get-around cars? I mean, treasures besides Crystal Gale and Buck Owens CDs of course. Like people would drive those cars but conveniently store a pound of heroin and a pack of $100 bills wrapped in unsigned German bearer bonds in the glove box. Again: a pox/cold on their heads.

  11. Hey…I’d break into a car for a poorly burned Fleetwood Mac cd. Sara is a particular favorite…wonder why? Also a fan of Sara by Dylan, Sarah Smile by Hall and Oats…even though they spelled it wrong. Hmmm…I’m starting to see a theme…

  12. Wow. That sucks. On the bright side, think of how lousy his karma is going to be.

  13. Oh, dude. So, so lame.

  14. I should clarify – HE is lame. Not this post. 😉

  15. Oh no! I’m so sorry to hear this.

  16. Ugg I hate people sometimes.

    When they broke into my car I had to laugh a little when I realized all they walked away with was a pair of KNOCK OFF Ray Band sunglasses, and a BROKEN watch.

    Take that suckers.

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