mona + hormones = hormonal

my guy

my guy

I’m tired and delusional. Mostly delusional. I try to make jokes and complete sentences, but instead what comes out sounds like when you do a lot of shrooms and then explain to the trucker you’ve just hitched a ride with that the clouds on the horizon look soooo much like Mufasa from The Lion King! (Not that I would know! The only shrooms I’ve ever digested were shiitake! I think that’s the street name for them.) There are times when I am in the presence of another adult and I’m mute and I have to remind myself: What would Beyonce do? She would be talking! So I try to pull out little anecdotes, unsolicited bits of babytalk gristle or I prepare beforehand some stock jokes and quips that will impress people, will stun audiences with, “She is so funny! And she *JUST* had a baby!” But instead, my brain goes through some impromptu reformatting, slowing down all of my mental facilities so the only thing I offer is, “I’m great! He sleeps three times a night. Am I leaking? Look! No? No looky-looks at my leaky-leaks?” Now people just shake their heads, move away slowly and warn people not to talk to the crazy woman in the corner, apparently she *just* had a baby.

I’ve also been really hormonal and weepy, too. I think it’s the exhaustion that has turned me into big puddle of estrogen, a broken faucet that leaks at inappropriate times, much like an actual broken faucet or someone who has worn a fluffy polka-dot robe for too long and has become sensitive to any fabric that chafes which apparently is EVERYTHING. I never watched The Notebook, but I am acting how people do when they watch that movie all the way through. Actually, I did watch the end, the very end, the END that everyone cries over, and I didn’t know it was the end until the credits rolled. I can’t relate to that feeling, like the Cialis commercial I watched the other day when the older couple is painting a room and all of a sudden she looks at him IN THAT WAY and he looks back IN THAT WAY and of course they’re prepared to follow through on this horizontal escapade because he’s on boner meds! I understand that couples can be spontaneous, but what about painting makes you ready IN THAT WAY? Is it the fumes? How exactly was she holding that paint roller? Painting and Boning: Is this a THING? I’ve been out of the loop (see: baby, sleep deprivation, sexy gauze panties, no sex in the labor and delivery room [I checked!]).

Anyway!

also my guy

also my guy

It’s also exhausting handling my first child, too. He is also full of these NEEDS! It’s strange handling a four year old and a four-week-old. With the baby, I know his needs are pretty simple: he needs to be held, fed, or changed. With Nathan, it’s often a question of, “THE HELL!? I just gave you mac and cheese! Why are you crying?” Or when I ask him to walk over to me and he decides he has no mobility and acts like Lt. Dan in Forest Gump when he falls off of his wheelchair and I have to correct this child with: “You are not LT. DAN! You have legs!”

As trying as he is, I know he’s just adjusting. We all are. He is a growing boy who still needs attention and love and a space next to me on the couch. He still does things that remind me of how sweet a child he is, like the other night when I put him to bed. We talked about trains and his friends. He then reached out and placed his hands on my face. After a minute or so I tried to move them off my face so I could leave and he said, “No, stay here.” And I let him keep his hands there, until he started snoring and dreaming about freaky faced trains and it was okay for me to leave and sleep in my own bed.

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Comments

  1. I saw that same Cialis commercial last night and thought, “What the hell? That wife will do ANYTHING to get out of painting.” So she abandons the half-painted wall and leads the husband through a dangerous-looking forest just to take a bath? šŸ™‚

    I think you are hilarious, so keep making your jokes!

  2. Your Lt. Dan joke killed me, and it’s been several years since I just had a baby.

  3. mrs. Blogoway says:

    Bless your heart, Mona! You’re doing a great job and remember… Its almost Mothers Day!

  4. Hang in there, baby! Also, if you follow your kid around shouting “Lt. Dan!” in your best Forrest voice, I will only love you more.

  5. oh gosh….the fact that you can write in this stage of your life is SO AWESOME!!! most mommy memoirs are in hindsight. I love that we’re getting this fresh of the press! Or whatever I mean to say!

  6. Girlfriend – if you need a break – come on ovah. I just bought Kick Croquet for Kathryn to play with in the back yard (she calls it Kick Bouquet – haha). Maybe K & N could kick balls under hoops and two moms can sit around and chat or somethin’. I’ll even set up the baby swing.

  7. It must be the sleep deprivation because I have no hormones…at least not related to giving birth…and I’m a mess. I saw a new kodak camera commercial the other day and wept like crazy. I also rewound, recorded and showed it to husband later, because it was just so sweet and listen to the noise the baby is about to make and why don’t you think it’s a sweet as i do!?!

    Also my co-workers now think I’m crazy…laughed out load about Lt. Dan.

  8. We totally buy our kids because the knocked up thing is not so much an option, but this whole post right here is why I’m afraid of buying another. We have a two year old and a three year old. I know the three year old would be like “Bitchin! Another one to boss around!” but the two year old would be all “BITCH PLEASE! Imma shank that kid unless you get it out your lap!” And then we’d have to explain to the adoption agency and it would be ugly and…honestly, just the thought makes me tired. Now I need a nap.

    But your kids are damn cute. And make me want boys. So if I DO talk my husband in to buying another baby, I’m going to be all IT’S THE INTERNETS FAULT!

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