The “That’s What She Said!” girl must talk a lot because my husband always quotes her. What if she didn’t make so many innuendo-worthy statements, phrases about long things, deep insertions, etc., and instead talked about matters of social and political import? What if conversations went like this:
“Universal healthcare is one of the most groundbreaking issues in the last twenty years.”
“That’s what she said! In yo’ face! Because she feels your skin could really benefit from a chemical peel that promotes hydration, cellular renewal, and diminishes fine lines!”
“Business relations with Iran is not possible until they put an end to their nuclear facilities.”
“That’s what she said! On her application to the Kennedy School of Government! Because she spent her high school summers attending the Junior Statesmen of America program!”
Most conversations with my mother begin with her offering a very obtuse, global inquiry with absolutely minimal context clues which I am supposed to solve because I went to college and already give her definitions of words she doesn’t understand when she watches the Lifetime Movie Network. This morning, she asked, “Mona, what is the name of the actor who is young? I think it’s Peter? Or Jack?”
“An actor named Peter or Jack? Who is young? LET ME CHECK MY BRAIN FILES FOR EVERY MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN.”
“Maybe John? He’s very handsome!”
“Might be named John? Is very handsome? Adding to the search!”
“His wife gave birth in a pool…”
“He made a movie in Spain! I saw it on the news!”
Then I remembered exactly who she was referring to because I saw the same news piece in which this actor was in Spain. This also happens often–my mom will repeat a news segment even though most of the time I am sitting closer to the TV than she is (example: Anchor: There’s report of a black bear in a Seattle neighborhood. Mom: MONA! There’s a black bear in Seattle! Me: Yes! We are both watching the same program!).
So I answered, “YOU MEAN TOM CRUISE!?”
“Yes! Tom Cruise!”
“That’s great! It accurately captures what you meant–a handsome actor who may be a John, Jack or Peter and has a wife who gave birth in a pool. That’s definitely Tom Cruise.”
The problem with cutting out dairy all together is that it really affects my eating all the food around me, which I am wont to do, friends. And you know what WONT does! It makes me eat a wonton! But not one with cream cheese inside because that has dairy!
I have opted for more “vegan” items because if it says “vegan” I don’t have to read seventeen million ingredients and my eyes glaze over big words anyway. Part of this problem is that I have become the annoying type of person who says, “DOES THAT HAVE BUTTER IN IT? MILK? CHEESE? Oh, I can’t eat it.” Sad trombone.
The other day I was at Starbucks, drinking a soy vanilla latte when the barista called out, “Who wants a free iced vanilla latte?” and of course I yelled out like it was a powerball lottery ticket or better yet, a Honey Baked Ham dinner with THREE sides. And I tempted fate and took a few sips of the milk-laced cocktail and when TJ started screaming like I was going to pull out his stomach through his throat, I knew my weakness for free shit–my Achilles heel–was to blame.
But when I do get free stuff I say thank whoever is bestowing said free shit upon me. When I am leaving an awesome parking spot, I wait until I can see the whites in the eyes of the guy who’s going to park in the closest non-handicapped spot in front of Target so I can live off the energy emanating from his fist pumping in the air.
Three-day weekend! My favorite number of weekend days, right next to seven-day weekend, alternately known as, “The time I spent my maternity leave answering my mom’s questions like, ‘Why are there bears in the woods but no tigers?'” WHY INDEED!