To the daughter I’ll never have


So TJ and Nathan are the only babies I’ll ever have, which I’m still trying to make peace with, though it’s reality and I should just accept it. We don’t have the space in our house, our car cannot handle another carseat and I have spent way too much money on Amazon buying speciality diapers so someone! doesn’t get a rash on his precious butt.

It’s not just that I won’t have any babies, but that I won’t have a girl. I won’t have a little girl that I can mold into my likeness, tell her how to sit properly (because maybe I would learn from her and stop sitting like I’m in a minor league baseball dugout, spitting tobacco into a sawed-off can of soda.) I would dress her up in striped leggings and polka-dot tunics. If she wanted to wear a tutu, I would go to the ends of the earth until her closet looked like the dressing room from the Bratz movie. If that’s what she wanted, while I still raised her up to be an independent woman. She don’t need no man!

I would accompany her first eyebrow consultant when she complains that she inherited my werewolf eyebrows. I wouldn’t want her to be like me with my girl gang eyebrows that I have plucked into non-existence because I can’t leave my face alone.

She would learn from a professional how to take care of her face, how to apply makeup, lessons she wouldn’t inherit from me because I bought a bottle of spray tan and I’m afraid of using it because, what if I ran out? What if I started spraying my stomach in circles and ran out and ended up with the underbelly of a teddy bear?

That wouldn’t happen to her. She would know better. If that’s what she wanted, while I raised her up to believe that she is beautiful no matter what and didn’t need makeup at all.

I would introduce her to the world of the Babysitters Club series. She would learn about economics and childrearing and stealthily hiding candy in books. If that’s what she wanted, while we discussed how these young women connected to ideas of gender binaries, burgeoning adulthood, and small business ownership.

Please don’t read into this that I don’t think it’s possible to raise boys with this knowledge. If Nathan or TJ express any interest in wearing big Forever 21 necklaces, or pushing doll strollers, than I will encourage and nurture that and not be all: only camouflage and war toys for boys! Oh I wish someone would tell me that my boys can’t watch Dora or drink out of a pink cup because it’s for girls. OH I JUST WISH. I’ve been needing to yell at total strangers, so bring it other grocery store customers and people in line to buy illegal fireworks.

You will be lighting Roman candles and while I will be setting aflame the idea that anyone would ever say to me and the daughter I’ll never have, “Wow, you two really look like sisters.”

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  1. Sad and touching, and also teh funny.
    Swistle recently posted..Crappy Day Present Report

  2. Love this!
    Mary O recently posted..Out of Sorts

  3. Very sweet. I think we all long for the child we’ll never have. I have my girl and she’s it. The only one. I long to have a little boy. Someone who won’t hate me when he’s 13.
    Ellie @ The Mommyist recently posted..Bridge to the Past

  4. Beautifully written. I might have teared up a little reading it.

  5. This was sweet and a little sad. My little girl is going to be my only and sometimes I wonder if I’m really going to miss out on something not having another baby, but we’re definitely done. And girls don’t always turn out the way you plan. I was looking forward to a Barbie-doll playing, ballet-taking girly-girl and so far, my little gal is a sports-playing tomboy who likes getting dirty. šŸ™‚ Seriously though, she has an inherent athletic ability I never possessed, so I’m getting excited about the idea of being a soccer mom vs. a stage mom. I’m still kind of hoping she’ll like dance in addition to sports, but it’s a faint hope. šŸ™‚ Either way, she’s an awesome kid. For you, I would imagine the upside will be that Mike, Nathan, and TJ will treat you like a queen, always! Whereas in my house, my daughter’s Daddy’s little princess, and I am Cinderella…slaving away to keep the household running LOL.

  6. I was hoping my little girl would have all the things I didn’t when I was little – ballet lessons and tons of dolls and a dollhouse and pretty dresses. Except she likes soccer and basketball, art and animals. Good thing we got a back up daughter who is super girly. Although I find myself enjoying how my oldest is asserting her individual opinion on what she likes, I also enjoy still being able to dress my littlest in frou frou stuff without complaint.

    Now though, I’m ready for boys. Which is why we’re getting three of them. Also? We’re insane. And out of room for carseats, spots at the dinner table, and beds.

    I do however lament the baby we’ll never have. Our youngest child was 10 months old when she came home but was already walking and talked soon after, so we never got that little tiny newborn baby experience and I do sometimes miss that. Then I sleep through the night without disruption and I don’t miss it so much.

  7. awesome x’s 10.
    Katie recently posted..When your heart is not making it easy

  8. I had a three day mourning period when I found out I was having a boy. I mourned the tea parties, tutu’s and barbies. Funny thing is now that I have my boy I wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world.

  9. Before TJ’s ultrasound, I was 100% convinced he was going to be a she. I even went so far as to tell people we had picked a girl’s name (Jillian Elaine). What’s more, I practiced the speech I would give to the first boy who brought her home late from a date, “I’m completely willing to go to jail for the rest of my life if I have to kill you.” But I agree wholeheartedly with Paige, I wouldn’t trade TJ for anything/anyone. His smile alone is worth all the, ahem, bodily fluids.

  10. I had my one and only at the age of 39, she’s the only baby I’ll ever get to have out of my own body (I’m 44 now, and her dad already had 2 daughters from his first marriage, so he’s been “snipped” to avoid any repeat performances on the “Oops!” front)… I too long for another, or another 2 or 3. Always wanted to have a gaggle of kids really. But A) who can afford a panal van big enough to haul them all around in and B) who wants to actually DRIVE a panal van? Also… I want to drag my kid around the world with me to all the places I love (like London and Santa Fe and Paris, etc.), as well as all the places I’ve never been (like South Africa, Japan, Ireland, Spain, etc.)… and I can hardly be doing that w/ more than one kid with the current fuel prices now can I?

    So… here’s what *I* hope: That she’ll marry young (and of course she’ll marry well), and then she’ll have a gaggle of kids of her own so I can be the greatest grandmother on the face of the planet, AND I’ll get to play with those babies until they’re tuckered out and I can send them home to their mama. Revenge. Sweet revenge.

    Meanwhile, you may only have two sons and no daughter… but maybe they’ll marry really awesome girlie girls, and have lots of girl babies, and then you’ll get your wish for tutus and pink up the wazoo. Trust me, all that pink is not all it’s cracked up to be. šŸ™‚
    Cheryl recently posted..West Seattle for Japan – TODAY!

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