So TJ and Nathan are the only babies I’ll ever have, which I’m still trying to make peace with, though it’s reality and I should just accept it. We don’t have the space in our house, our car cannot handle another carseat and I have spent way too much money on Amazon buying speciality diapers so someone! doesn’t get a rash on his precious butt.
It’s not just that I won’t have any babies, but that I won’t have a girl. I won’t have a little girl that I can mold into my likeness, tell her how to sit properly (because maybe I would learn from her and stop sitting like I’m in a minor league baseball dugout, spitting tobacco into a sawed-off can of soda.) I would dress her up in striped leggings and polka-dot tunics. If she wanted to wear a tutu, I would go to the ends of the earth until her closet looked like the dressing room from the Bratz movie. If that’s what she wanted, while I still raised her up to be an independent woman. She don’t need no man!
I would accompany her first eyebrow consultant when she complains that she inherited my werewolf eyebrows. I wouldn’t want her to be like me with my girl gang eyebrows that I have plucked into non-existence because I can’t leave my face alone.
She would learn from a professional how to take care of her face, how to apply makeup, lessons she wouldn’t inherit from me because I bought a bottle of spray tan and I’m afraid of using it because, what if I ran out? What if I started spraying my stomach in circles and ran out and ended up with the underbelly of a teddy bear?
That wouldn’t happen to her. She would know better. If that’s what she wanted, while I raised her up to believe that she is beautiful no matter what and didn’t need makeup at all.
I would introduce her to the world of the Babysitters Club series. She would learn about economics and childrearing and stealthily hiding candy in books. If that’s what she wanted, while we discussed how these young women connected to ideas of gender binaries, burgeoning adulthood, and small business ownership.
Please don’t read into this that I don’t think it’s possible to raise boys with this knowledge. If Nathan or TJ express any interest in wearing big Forever 21 necklaces, or pushing doll strollers, than I will encourage and nurture that and not be all: only camouflage and war toys for boys! Oh I wish someone would tell me that my boys can’t watch Dora or drink out of a pink cup because it’s for girls. OH I JUST WISH. I’ve been needing to yell at total strangers, so bring it other grocery store customers and people in line to buy illegal fireworks.
You will be lighting Roman candles and while I will be setting aflame the idea that anyone would ever say to me and the daughter I’ll never have, “Wow, you two really look like sisters.”