making a hot mess out of hotlanta

Last night I had the very bright idea of spraying myself with fake-tanner with the idea that I would wake up this gorgeous goddess of golden C3PO skin. When I woke up, I thought I had achieved just that. I dressed in a simple wrap dress, shawl for the plane and flats. When the town car came to pick me up at 4:15 AM (!), it was still cool and dark outside. I exited my house and felt very much a fancy lady.

It wasn’t until I had already boarded, made my way past people who were not in wrap dresses because they were smart that I realized I WAS STREAKY. Not only was I streaky, I was VERY STREAKY. My vision of being a sweet tanned angel baby melted into an emergency plan of trying to cover myself on the plane lest anyone wonder why I had birthmarks all over my body, or how I made it past airport security after being hit by a mud truck.

And as the plane continued over the midwest, hours passing, the tan just kept getting darker and darker, developing from a “hmm, that’s an odd color,” to “WHY ARE THERE HANDPRINTS ALL OVER YOUR BODY?” I was mortified.

Why couldn’t I have just left my body alone, owned my pasty white skin and not try to be something I’m not: a fancy lady? And why did the bottle say not to rub in, it would just dry by itself? Why couldn’t they give me the real deal, warning that if your name is Mona, it’s best just to leave it alone, it won’t happen girl. The darkest shade you will ever be is Mother of Pearl, trust.

I took a $20 (!) cab ride to the nearest drugstore because it was too hot to walk and picked up what the internet told me would help ctrl+z a fake tan mess: baby oil. I’ve managed to scrub off the first few layers, but much of it remains. My fingertips are still brown, there are tan lines where there shouldn’t be. AND WHY DID I BRING ONLY DRESSES?

But I’m here in Atlanta and I’m going to spend the next two days learning more about blogging and Coca-Cola and owning this mess I have made, this weird skin. Also, thanks to the baby oil, I can enter any local bodybuilding competition. Heavyweight category, obviously.

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Comments

  1. And that is why I’ve never tried self-tanner. I’m so white, I think anything would just look weird and out of place on me. But I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think it is? Maybe? Good luck?
    C @ Kid Things recently posted..Joys of Pregnancy

  2. I haven’t done self tanner in a long time. I was considering do it for my legs because I’m hoping it will summer weather soon (yes, please?!) and I’m pasty glow-in-the-dark pale.

    But now, maybe I’ll just take your advice and let it be.

    Which also, makes me want to sing, let it be, oh let it be.
    Sarah recently posted..Aquarium- Phone Edition!

  3. I’ve never had good results with self tanner either. Oh well. 🙂 Have a great trip! Can’t wait to hear all about it!
    Carrie recently posted..Searching for sunshine

  4. YOU ARE HILARIOUS!!!! Okay, now I’m going to tease you tomorrow! hahahaha, you just made my night!

    I won’t tease you, but now when I see you I’m going to be thinking about this post! I’m so glad that I met you here! See ya tomorrow!

  5. I FEAR self tanners. Like, A LOT. Luckily, I think pasty is WHERE IT’S AT.

    So, you know, you’re welcome back to PastyTown anytime…
    Leslie recently posted..Put your arms in the air In bed

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