I weeded my entire closet of every dress, blouse, pair of pants that were too big or wouldn’t be able to elicit the catcall: “Girl, you so fine.” Not that there’s much that remains worthy of that response. My wardrobe is mainly filled with Banana Republic dresses and Ann Taylor cardigans which is no crime but the end result is that I look like a Young Republican (OR BANANA REPUBLICAN!–SEE WHAT I DID THERE?) I look like I’m on my way to a rotary meeting. I’m rushing to present some boring energy policy in front of a committee who is more familiar with Jethro Tull than Jay-Z.
And after losing over 35 pounds of baby weight this year, what keeps me going is sheer vanity. I want to look good. I want to see my body transform more than it already has. I am driven by smaller, single size dress tags even though I hear my mother’s voice in my head: “The ‘S’ doesn’t mean small, it means ‘stretch’,” or “That ‘M’ really stands for ‘Mammoth’.”
I’ve been searching for sexy clothing on websites that don’t judge me because I have two kids. I know I’m a mom, I will always be a mom. But that shouldn’t sentence me to a life of tapered jeans and oversized polo shirts. I love being a mother but I also love not looking like I’m in my second trimester.
I want more sexy clothing, even if I have no plans of actually entering mechanical bull contests (which I know I would win, no question) or being in any establishment suited for the line of clothing I have recently learned is called “clubwear.”
But even searching for sexy clothing online has produced the strangest results. I’m used to wrap dresses and officewear wool skirts and then I find this lingerie bodysuit that is $32.99 BUT ONLY HAS ONE LEG.
ONE LEG. I don’t even know. I was already puzzled by the amount of one-sleeved clubwear dresses (only one armpit is warm!), but ONE LEG?! Hello, Booty Clap Night judges, I’m rocking one leg tonight. This is my good one! I’m also incredibly cheap and I don’t think that anything that is 95% polyester and 5% spandex should be more than 9 dollars, especially if it is missing fabric that covers your appendage.
I don’t want to give up heels or pack away slips and stockings because I’m a mom. I just want to have a few dresses and tops that I can fit even if I’m only showcasing this fine body in the mirror, whispering, “Work it girl,” quietly because the boys are asleep.