The first perfume I remember was Chanel No. 5. My mom would dab a drop on her finger and then swipe me behind the ears. “If the priest kisses you,” she reasoned. Priests were the basis of a lot of my moms arguments, her most cogent illustration of her devotion to the Catholic church being, “Even if the priests dance in bikinis, I will not change my religion.”
Those poor priests being subjected to the array of scents Chamorro women and their daughters. I’m not sure how they waded through that crowd, especially if one woman clamored, “I won’t change my religion even if you dance in a bikini.” And her daughter would chime in, “But if you do, make it a 1980s Miss Hawaiian Tropic two piece!”
As for perfume, I don’t care for Chanel No. 5. To me it smells like compost, maybe fancy French Laundry restaurant compost but still. It’s not appealing. When I read that Marilyn Monroe slept only in this heaviness, it made sense that she slept alone.
One of my favorites is Calvin Klein’s Escape for Women, even though it sounds like penitentiary contraband. But it’s super sweet, almost sickeningly and maybe that’s why I love it. I prefer everything sweet. I prefer sweet drinks with candied lemon slices and sugar on the rims. I tried a vodka and soda once thinking it was soda and not tasting like a Sprite that had been left out on the porch for months and you drink it anyway because you want to impress a guy and end up having to run into the bathroom because you can’t suppress that face you make.
The perfume above is a gift from my mom–Theirry Mugler’s Angel. It’s very fancy but soft and gives the sense (scents? Get it!? No? Okay then! *weeps*) of a woman who has her act together. This is a fancy lady who knows how much to tip at the restaurant without pulling out her tip calculator app on her phone and if she does, she does not announce to her dinner companion: “Let me figure this out on my tip calculator!” She knows what wine goes with the meal and if she does order a vodka and soda, she freezes her face as if she is a Navy Seal and if she doesn’t give away the truth that what she is imbibing is awful, she wins at life.