I had a really wonderful birthday. My kids let me sleep for two hours without trying to pry my eyes open, my husband took me out to dinner and when we got home, I had second dessert (the second I had counted after I had lost initially count and then said/wept, “Okay, one more piece! I need to stop substituting food for love!”) of tres leches cake with pineapple and coconut on top.
Plus, I had an even better birthday thanks to all the birthday messages I received on facebook and instagram. If there’s anything that social media is good for, it’s to hear “happy birthday, Mona” from very sweet people who are not my mother and also not myself whispering my lone birthday wishes into a mirror, wondering when this time pendulum will stop swinging. So thank you for all the great birthday wishes, it makes my Benjamin Button face smile.
Today a package came from my sister Bobbie. Some of the products you can find and order from mytenda.com especially if you’re a Chamorro living in the mainland and you cannot find lemon-flavored Hi-C (now called Paradise Sun) abroad. I’m not just saying it because my sister and brother-in-law are the new owners, but because it’s the easiest way to get these remnants of my island upbringing–choco-pies, shrimp chips (these are salty and delicious, trust), drinks, the BBQ flavored cracker nuts–to me. I love ice keki, OBVIOUS HINT.
My sister included some goodies that aren’t available on the website, but she thought I would need:
Sure, Those Days maxi pads. Sister friends, don’t we all have THOSE DAYS? And I need the maxiest of maxi pads on those days. Well played, sis. And Prickly Heat soap? Because the way I lather up, I need some soap to cool me down. That’s why I’m also afraid when I wear pantyhose that I will start a fire and the firemen will conclude that no foul play was involved, just No Nonsense stockings and thighs that have bulged because of too much cake. It’s like my sister tapped into the fake Amazon wishlist that I’m too lazy to write, I just look at things and add them to my mental catalogue of what I hope someone would make my wishes come true without my having to say anything.
Then I found this, the fulfillment of everything I didn’t know I wanted. Please click through to view it in full.
Sure, I love herbal soaps. Sure! Red roses extract? Fancy! Roses on the packaging! Because lady parts are delicate flowers! That cost $$$ if you order them in a dozen and if you are at bar and some old lady comes up offering single stems for your date, you look like a cheapskate if you refuse.
IT ALSO TIGHTENS VAGINAL MUSCLE. I feel like there were no women involved in the creation of this product. Because wouldn’t that be the first thing it says? It smacks of the “But wait! If you order now…” urgency of informercials (for floppy vaginas, apparently). Don’t bury it behind the seductive words like “reducing inflammation” and “burning sensation.” Also tightens vaginal muscle!? Lead off with that, especially for those people who aren’t finding what they need from crossfit classes.
It says, “gently apply to the feminine area” as if I didn’t know where to put these soap magic. The title “Virginity Soap Feminine Tightening” just doesn’t give me any direction. I’m so clueless!
Why would I want my virginity back? Losing it was so awkward in the first place, do I want a beauty product to take me back to my boyfriend’s room where he used a Bob Marley/Lion BEACH TOWEL as a wall decoration and Peter Cetera’s Forever Tonight played in the background?! No thank you!
Despite all this, I’m thinking of emptying out my bank account and stockpiling this magic. Are you in?