Above is a shot of the ticket you can buy that will admit you into the night of laughs or as I’ve called it in my head: THE MOST TERRIFYING THING I WILL EVER DO. There’s a lot of pressure to make people I’ve known my whole life laugh, especially since they are paying good money to attend. Every night I come home and I write frenzied notes, joke ideas, lists upon lists. These scribbles are being fleshed out and finished, memorized and polished. I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE.
On top of that, I need to get my hair done, nails manicured, gifts purchased, clothing packed and find some way to make 70 pounds worth of stuff weigh only 50 pounds. I’m going to pack toys and snacks which will turn our small airplane seat into an Occupy United Airlines hovel, wrappers and toys strewn, food stains on my clothes, my mascara streaking down my face and a huge toddler yelling, “GET! GET!” but NOT SPECIFYING WHAT HE WANTS, MR. NOT-HELPFUL. I bought a Sparq 2.0 portable battery so my iphone and iPad will be alive and working and keeping TJ occupied with as many cartoons as he wants to watch. In the air, over international waters, there are no rules. But if everything wears down, I can just use these expensive gadgets as weapons as the other passengers mutiny to try to throw a frazzled mom and her son off the plane. Well, they would probably just throw me out and keep TJ.
Still, I cannot wait to be on the beach! I will walk around in shorts (and nothing else, sorry Saipan), my hair a heavy mess of frizz and sweat, and my hand firmly gripping a cold beer (which will be a Bud Lite, not because Budweiser is one of the sponsors but because I’M ON SAIPAN AND NO ONE WILL JUDGE ME AND MAKE ME DRINK SOMETHING LIKE A MERLOT. I HATE MERLOT.) The other hand in my toddler’s direction, telling him to get away from that, or to stop yapping, mommy’s enjoying what it’s like to not experience snow. I need to defrost. Desperately.