1. I don’t have glasses but I need them. I do kind of like how anyone more than 10 feet away is very attractive to me. It’s only awkward when I realize I’ve been hitting on a trash can and not a short, attractive man. What’s up recycling?!

2. I own seventeen different types of tweezers. It’s one of my favorite beauty products to test out. As someone who is half-Chamorro, half-werewolf, I have to keep a well-equipped arsenal of metal instruments so my brows are in check and not eating up half of my face.

3. My palette has deteriorated this year. Not that I had refined tastes, I used to only drink fruity cocktails or dessert wine. Now it’s like, cheap beer or if I’m trying to save money, a swig of mouth wash from the homeless guys who hang outside the comedy club. We also trade coupons and sangria recipes. Frugal ones, they are!

4. I really loved Sex and the City like any woman or secure man (heyyyyy!) who had a DVD player eight years ago. I lived with my high school friend and we would watch as many seasons as we could even though we had no money for designer shoes and we each had one boyfriend, not seventeen of them. I was not a sexpot Samantha, a “I couldn’t help but wonder” Carrie, high class Charlotte or smarty Miranda. I was/am/always will be Magda.

Also, I have watched the show so many times, I recognize characters when they appear in other places. I know this but I cannot tell you who is the lieutenant governor of the state of Washington.

5. I have spent an inordinate amount of time on my impression of Gilbert Gottfried reading from Fifty Shades of Grey. When I get it right, I will share it here.

How are you doing, friend?

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