My iMac ate it last week. Nathan woke me up on Friday with my least favorite sentence, “Mommy, the computer isn’t working.” It was this bright, final scene of LOST kind of white with that wheel spinning and spinning, but nothing changed. I panicked, huffed at my son. I had already solved this game of Clue: It was Mr. Nathan in the living room with the computer! My kis are most often the reason why something in this house breaks or moves or is stained. It’s always an inside job.
I tried some manuevers and key combinations, etc. that I read on my iPhone (which has a cracked screen! Why does it always rain on me!?) but nothing worked. It gave me that sad white, a shade that really brings out how dirty the screen is because little people in this house touch it with their dirty hands–THANKS KIDS!
I shuttled my poor computer over to my brother’s house, saying the whole time, “Stay with me, computer! Don’t leave me yet.” My brother, who runs his own business–The ComputerXperts–examined my computer and talked to me about what might be the problem (MY CHILDREN) and that it looked like the harddrive was toast. He could try to salvage some of the data, but it wasn’t guaranteed. Then he ended with another least favorite sentence: “Are you ready to accept the loss?”
I bought another harddrive, left my computer a shell for my brother to hopefully revive.
Fortunately, I have most, but not all important documents, photos, videos, etc. on an external harddrive. But… I lost a lot. I didn’t move over things that I could have or should have. I didn’t make backups of everything. I know. I know.
So here’s what I don’t have: iPhone photos and any music I added after 2008 and isn’t on my iPhone right now. The photos are what guts at me, a deep machete swipe across my heart. Especially when I think about the amount I did not upload to facebook, twitter, instagram or blogged here. Sometimes, I’ll be folding laundry or walking down the street, a shrieking thought hit when I remember something else I trusted too easily to my computer. “Oh the videos!” or “Arrrgh! My music!” I’ve been getting such a workout, shaking my fist at the air.
Luckily, I regularly post my photos so there’s a trail, I’m really glad to have blogged moments like the first week with TJ or Nathan’s face at his birthday party. But these are just light trails, faint glimpses of a large iceberg that has melted away.
Nathan and TJ use my Mac more than I do during the day. They watch cartoons, kids music videos on YouTube. Nathan went to various kid sites and asked, “Mommy, what’s your email address?” So I would offer up his dad’s email address because I’m usually upset with Mike for some reason and what a solid passive aggressive move that is–send him SPAM–Mona. Way to go.
I know better. I will survive this, save more, save everything, backup once, twice, (three times a lady!). My kids will return to their habit occupying everything I love and placing its twitching, electric shards in my hands.
Also I’m so glad he doesn’t read my blog so he won’t know that I actually like living near my brother. I lived for a long time without any of my siblings around and it’s really nice to have my family around. Our kids are about the same age and I love that they’re growing up with each other. My brother has always been really smart about computers and I’ll admit it here, he’s a funny comic, too. And in some nerd way, I look up to him and despite this whole awfulness OF LOSS AND TRAGEDY, I know I can depend on my brother to make some of it better.