On not eating donuts

When I was on Saipan last year, people commented that I had lost weight which I responded by grabbing them by the collar and kissing them full on the mouth. That is how I say thank you. Try saying something nice to me, sweetlips! Some asked how I did it, to which I always answered: Tapeworms. Look into it. Place a piece of raw fatty beef in the sun, come back in a few hours, eat it and after a few hours of excruciating pain, you’ll be able to zip up your skinny jeans!

I wish losing weight could be as easy as consuming fetid meat products, but sadly it is work. It is work and sacrifice and not eating donuts even when donuts are the most delicious option at any time. I have never said, “It’s too early for donuts!” or even some thing more ridiculous like, “I only eat donuts I have made myself!” Because I am not a donut maker, I am a donut eater which is one layer of my problem cake. CAKE!

I didn’t gain weight while I was on Saipan even though much of my diet consisted of Bud Light and bread from Herman’s Bakery, which is the best bakery in this whole world and I will put a loaf of their sweet bread into a bread ring and if there isn’t an official Bread Challenge, I will make one.

It’s frustrating to be in this range, especially when I see so many skanky dresses that call for my emotionally unstable and desperate need for attention body in them.

I stopped taking the bus and started taking a vanpool to work which has made me so happy. I no longer have let out a long passive aggressive sigh when people spread their legs wide on their seat so I have to feel someone’s leg heat when I did not ask to feel someone’s leg heat, thank you very much.

But because I’m not running after buses, I’m also not running much at all. There’s no need to sprint down a city block–boobs and bags bouncing and my red face heaving as I hurdle through the back door. I might ask my vanpool if it’s cool if instead of picking me up in the normal legal way, just open the side door, rev up the engine and I can run up, toss my crap in and see if I can turn this van into every train I’ve seen movie hobos hop into. And it would be really cool if there were some donuts inside because I would have worked for every single bite.

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  1. I love you! You’re hilarious.
    Drea recently posted..Peace and Sunshine: All a little girl needs

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