Awards I Should Have Won Today

1. Best Use of Will Power Despite Bagels:
There was so much food at my work and I ate only the good, most healthy parts, like picking the smoked salmon from the top of a cream cheese bagel instead of inhaling the whole carb-goodness monster and the rest of the bagel tray. My office often has catered events like lunches and receptions and sometimes the food ends up in the kitchen where it beckons, “EAT ME, MONA!” But I didn’t do any of that even though I am a grown woman who can buy as many twinkies and burritos as I want, but don’t because I would like to fit into pants that my dry cleaner won’t argue is really a deflated king-size air mattress. Yay for me!

2. Lead Actress in a Drama Starring Two Versions Of Her Own Face:
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This is not me! I found this random photo on the internet and I’m fascinated by how this woman looks like me! Or at least what I looked like in 2005, when I wore cable sweater hoodies, long earrings and sang Rammstein at karaoke. JUST LIKE THIS YOUNG LADY. Oh 2005 and 22-year-old Mona, not yet with child but soon to be expecting, buying makeup you can’t afford, wondering when The Killers will return to Seattle because you didn’t have a lot of fun at the first concert but lady, you have may have soul, but you’re not a solider.

I wonder if this lady with my face (and good job on keeping the little microphone shower caps on because there are some mic-eating karaoke singers!) also had a parallel life and did other things like become a vegetarian after watching Super Size Me, only to forsake all vegetarian principles once she found out she was pregnant and fried chicken tasted so good to a pregnant lady who is not easily influenced by documentaries but easily deterred by the irresistible scent of meat in her favorite grocery deli. Maybe in a few months she will be reading What to Expect When You’re Expecting (spoiler alert: pregnancy gas! pregnancy insomnia! pregnancy hemorrhoids! oh joy!) and wondering why people are looking at her strange when she walks into bars.

3. Coolest Mom, Ad Infinitum :
Tomorrow is the Seahawks Victory Parade and I will be taking Nathan there. There’s a lot of debate whether you should take your kid out of school for one day and while I sort of believe that, the magnitude of this moment–the first Super Bowl victory, the sheer number of people who are all happy that this is finally happening, and the chance to join in this historic moment–all have swayed me to take my first born. My parents did a lot of cool things with me despite my being a brat, many times over. He’s been a really good kid. He does his homework. He says things like, “You’re my favorite mommy in the whole world!” That’s good kid, because I cut those other skanks.

But, I’m extremely nervous about this parade. There will be hundreds of thousands of people. Nathan will get overstimulated. It will be cold. Very cold. Then even colder than that. I can’t control things. I won’t have my car. I won’t be able to abandon my kid there once he starts talking in a high-pitched sing song voice he KNOWS FULL WELL I HATE.

I don’t know if he’ll have fun. Or if I will either. But maybe in the future, once he’s grown up and on his own and not saying things like, “Hey mommy, does this hurt?” or “Is your payday on the 10th?” he’ll remember the time his mom took him to a loud, monstrous, phenomenal 300K-person party in Seattle because the Seahawks won the Super Bowl and that was pretty cool.

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