Throwback Thursday: Horrorscopes


In college, I wrote a few columns for the student paper. One of them was as Miss Kleo’s cousin and her Horrorscope column. This is from 2003 but the references are all over the place because I thought of myself as an old soul and now I’m just old. Enjoy!

So true, they’re scary!

By Miss Kleo’s cousin

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18)
Inviting the 1985 Chicago Bears to spend the off-season at your house seemed like a good idea at the time, but you’ve soon learned that their hit, “Super Bowl Shuffle,” does not sound as pleasing as it did 17 years ago. I suggest letting world-renown mime Marcel Marceau sleep over. Sure, he might be in the way, but anything is better than hearing defensive captain Gary Fencik sing, “It’s Gary here, and I’m Mr.Clean. They call me ‘hit man.’ Don’t know what they mean.”

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20)
Though your search for the one-armed man will not prove fruitful this week, keep the hope alive. You will finally finish that cookbook about delicacies from northern Florida, thus you will receive the acclaim and Pulitzer Prize nods that you deserve.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19)
This week, I’d like to give you a piece of advice my mother constantly throws my way. If it looks like Vanilla Ice, walks like Vanilla Ice, and talks like Vanilla Ice, then it’s probably Vanilla Ice.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20)
Tomorrow you will discover that No Doubt’s “Simple Kind of Life” isn’t really “Sip Your Candle Light.” It’s time to reevaluate your life choices. Try some knitting. Become a fan of Martha Stewart. Might I also suggest taking up the double neck guitar? Like Greg Brady, you could create an alter ego, but instead of naming your new bad self “Johnny Bravo,” try “Pip.” No one messes with guys named Pip.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20)
In an effort to become the next Carrot Top, you will resurrect your gym membership. However, working out will not burn off those hips you have so unjustly inherited from your father. Try a diet; it’s really not that hard. Avoiding sugars and starches will be a surprisingly easy task except when those three evils known as breakfast, lunch and dinner try desperately to lead you into temptation.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22)
Come on, genius, did you really think that the officer would get the “Is that a real gun?” joke?

Leo (7/23 – 8/22)
Be a humanitarian. Give that giant feathered headdress and leather chaps to someone who really needs it. Buy makeup remover for that woman who obviously thinks that having eyes like Tammy Faye is remotely attractive.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22)
Resist the urge this week to drop out of school and join the Vienna Boys Choir. You are neither a boy nor Vienna.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22)
Don’t let them fool you. That credit card from Express does not buy you more time, only more bills. I figured out how to temporarily fix that screeching noise your car has been generously emitting. Turn up the volume! It works for Miss Kleo’s Cousin, anyway.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21)
The battery in your smoke detector will die this week. Instead of worrying that there would be no warning in the case of a fire and you would spend your final moments wondering why your bedroom has become a hot smoky haze, you merely revel in the fact that now you can bring your barbeques indoors.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21)
Your second-cousin Oliver will insist on shopping with you this weekend. Be cordial as he is family. Remember, he’s just like a pair of uncomfortable underwear. Though he means well, he’ll still be a pain in the butt.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19)
Have you seen that video for Jimmy Eat World’s song, “Middle?” You know how everyone strips down to their unmentionables and no one seems to care? Well, in my opinion, that’s pretty sad. If I stripped down to my unmentionables, I would hope someone would notice and perhaps say, “Is that silk?” or “Hey, it’s not Wednesday!”

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