When I was a teenager, I had my runes read. It was in a dorm room at Stanford, when I was 15 and spending one month that summer with Junior Statesmen of America, camp for political/speech and debate nerds. A nice boy spilled out the rocks from a small bag, scanned them and then said, “Well, it says you’re very vain,” which isn’t fortune telling at all. It’s just looking at me and figuring out what is behind this veneer of way too much makeup and only smiling with my left side because that’s my good side! The right side is my fat side. I am so vain, I have already figured this out. What is the fat side of my face for pictures. What side doesn’t make you think what happened to me as a child.
My vanity is only at a certain level because I don’t have any money. If I had Kim Kardashian money, I would have never had any awkward teenage moments because I would have paid someone to be me from the age of 13-18 and I could be at home where my internet boyfriends would appreciate me! I would have had my eyebrows shaped so they weren’t some big amorphous hair patch taking over my face. I would have also bought friends so I would never feel awkward and alone because my (store-bought, farm-raised) friends would always say, “You’re the best, Mona!”
So I downloaded the game, a super simple tap tap tap. The premise is that you are a loser, you spend money to become a not-loser. Just like in real life when I shop the Target clearance rack for anything that doesn’t make me look like a mom, only I look like a slightly less mom. Not a cool mom, but the kind of mom who’s like, yeah, I’ll let you drink Fanta before noon, just don’t tell dad. So, pretty much a terrible mom.
I didn’t spend any real money on this game because I’ve made a promise to myself never to repeat the $60 I dropped on The Simpsons: Tapped Out, another tap-tap-tap game only, you build a whole world based on Simpsons characters! Still, I can’t spend more money on NOT REAL THINGS. So no Ms. Kardashian-West, you won’t be getting any money from me. I also disabled all in-app purchases and I’m too lazy to figure out how to undo that. I win!
The game spent two day son my phone and I only got up to a D-List celebrity after doing things like, go to Miami for a photoshoot! And go on dates with dudes like Mitchell Murphy who are full on jerkfaces for saying something like, “You don’t really look like you care much about impressing me,” which is exactly what goes through the minds of everyone who sees me at Target on the weekends when the doors open and I’m rushing through the aisles in no makeup and Target-brand yoga pants. So joke’s on you, jerk.
After being saddled with tasks like go to this photoshoot, go on this date (to have more mean things said to me! I’m fragile in real life!) and buy this outfit, I deleted the game. I did take with it some lessons like: I’m really addicted to my phone, especially if there’s something dumb. I’m not very motivated to stick with anything that I’m not a super grand champion right away. And I learned that I don’t need a game to tell me how far I am from any semblance of cool. I have two boys who love me very much and share sweet words like, “Why do you like to pinch my butt? Why don’t you pinch your own? It’s much bigger!”