THIS IS AFRICA, RAMONA.
In an effort to make my lifestyle change (i.e. DIET, also read: what else is new, Ramona?) a reality, I’ve started to make things a habit. On Sunday, while my kids and husband are still in bed, I drive downtown to Whole Foods. I like shopping with no one else around, super early in the morning, when the store first opens up, before I’m bombarded with social anxiety or the feelings of anger that bubble up when I see someone with so much privilege and a child whose name is too precious and a life that is too busy with pilates classes and “Ladies Night Out” and mani-pedi appointments so there is no room for what I fill my life with: regret, shame spirals and wondering what it would have been like if I went to law school (Probably terrible. Definitely terrible. I was great at high school mock trial [Voted Most Effective Prosecutor!], I would have been awful at real life lawyering, especially since I just called it lawyering).
But I like Whole Foods. I like being in a place where I don’t have as many worries about where my food comes from, where I can buy watermelon for TJ and it doesn’t disintegrate because it’s old and my kid doesn’t understand that January isn’t watermelon season. I like the fruit and the organic spinach and the raw cashews even though I didn’t like the shirt I thought was LOVE with the “O” as Africa because I was sure it would only be worn by a white woman with dreadlocks (!!) and too much money in the bank but then I realized that the “O” was really South America and I am just an idiot with misplaced anger, pre-emptively hating on people who have done nothing to me other than make me feel less than, something I created myself. What is wrong with me!? (Again: too long to list!)
2015 Mona is worthy of good things. I deserve to eat food that makes me feel good, I deserve to shop online and sort the site results by “high to low” and not “cheapest to even cheaper.” Right? I deserve quality makeup that doesn’t make me have a brown face and white neck or look like I just ran through a cloud of baby powder to fancy it up for the day. I need to walk into places, a grocery store where I know I will be a minority, few people from Saipan will be there, maybe no one will even know where that is and walk through the aisles like I belong there because I do.