farewell 2007

Linda’s sent out her end of the year meme missive and I must join in! I am a follower, not a leader, especially if Linda’s at the helm. Here goes:

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?

I performed my one minute comedy routine in front of 70 complete strangers.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Stand-up as my only real resolution and I did it! Gold star for me!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thankfully, no.

5. What countries did you visit?

Just the United States and Targetstan.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?

Sense of moral turpitude.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

5/8 – my son turned ONE!

6/23 – I started a brand-new jobby job.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I helped plan and execute a 250 person gala for my work. We bought a house(!).

9. What was your biggest failure?

I did not read enough this year.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Just the cold that is wracking my body right now.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My Canon EOS 30D camera along with the 430EX Speedlite and 24-105 L lens. Worth every penny.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My husband.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Every parent who was shocked that their children fell over in foam Bumbo seats. Britney Spears makes over 700K a month and she wears a weave. My ever-expanding knowledge of this celebrity trivia also saddens me.

14. Where did most of your money go?

My house, camera, and child. Especially the child–he is not self-sustaining!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

This is the first time I’ve ever been truly excited about the holidays. We’re in our new house this year and we don’t have neighbors banging on the wall and telling us not to sing to our son after 7PM.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?

Yeasayer’s 2080 was on repeat.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

A) Happier B) the same weight C) I make more money but I have more bills, so it evens out.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Traveling.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Eating out.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

We drove 50 miles and celebrated it with friends. My brother bought a roasted 60-lb pig and no one thought my suggestion to put it in a car seat for a photo op was very funny. Come on! It would fit! The Britax holds up to 65 pounds!

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?

I fall in love with my husband and son more every day. And that’s why I am going to have a career in writing movies for the Lifetime Network.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

I really liked Pushing Daisies, LOST, and CSI Miami.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I don’t think I hated Rachael Ray as much as I do this year.

24. What was the best book you read?

I re-read The Great Gatsby and it reminded me how much I love mint juleps.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Yeasayer.

26. What did you want and get?

I wanted to move out of the tiny hovel apartment and I did. Into a hizzouse!

27. What did you want and not get?

The Nintendo Wii. I’m trying to convince Mike that it’d be a great workout and it would help with my love of double vowels.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Knocked Up.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 24 and my husband took me out to an Italian restaurant. We then spent the rest of the night watching Sopranos DVDs.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A plane ticket to Saipan.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

A What Not to Wear candidate.

32. What kept you sane?

My son’s laugh, my husband and blogging.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Bear Grylls.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

This war we are embroiled in and how much good the money we’ve spent could have done.

35. Who did you miss?

My sister Bobbie and all of her children.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

I met Ashley and her adorable sons as well as Linda’s son Riley. I also met Drew. And grrltraveler!

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.

The world will not end if you are five minutes late.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

From Yeasayer’s 2080, “I can’t sleep when I think about the future I was born into.”

December 31, 2007 | Filed Under Uncategorized | 4 Comments 

Mona’s Year in Review

Ah, 2007, my friend. You were a good year to me. Like remember when we had the Tila Tequila Drinking Game in which we had to take a shot whenever Tila said, “I’m a bisexual”? You knew how to have a good time, 2007. Let’s hope 2008 is just as fun as you are, and even more of a riot than 2006.

Here’s a rundown of my favorite posts, videos, and pictures from these exciting, expensive and exhausting 365 days. Thanks for reading.

I wouldn’t say my vagina is adorable.



Total Access

Am I really too fat to
help fight against cancer?




I got a job! A paying job! With benefits! Break out the exclamation points, who’s expressing strong feelings now, playa!

cheese

Nathan's 2007 Super Bowl prediction

Sorry, dear husband. You’re really savoring the meat section from Safeway, not the soul of Tenochtitlan.

I felt like I was back in my short-story writing class with the idiot, who smoked pot in the woods and got water for his bong from a puddle, explaining that the robots added to the “dream of fiction.”

I don’t know what’s more awkward to hear, a bad writer admitting she’s a bad writer and bringing it up a notch with a compliment that makes no sense or being recognized as having secured the advancement of man. I seemed a lot smarter when my mouth was full of cheese.

“…half of Nathan’s room is our office, so when I tell you that his nursery theme is Microsoft Word, I’m not kidding…”


There are few things in life more embarrassing than contemplating, “How big is my ass that a call from under it would include roaming charges?”

chilling

My pants are so big, they’re like two windsocks sewn together. I’ve gotten offers from used car lots to borrow my conical leggings so they attach it to a high powered fan and turn it into one of those air-blown balloon attractions used to attract customers.

Lilo and Nathan

Resolved: Double strollers are cool and baby number 2 may be evil


Granted, if you’ve had a camera examining your crevices for a few hours, then you have every right to announce the amount of pain. But not in front of me, dude, especially when I’m waiting for my husband who may or may not have cancer. Let’s get all Depeche Mode and enjoy the silence, mmmkay?

PICT0426

Nathan's new playpen

I’ll clarify with this: my relationships on Saipan were tainted with “who the hell were you talking to” arguments.

If I’m already unsatisfied with the state of my breasts, why would I want them in a larger size? It would just be more of boobs I don’t like.

And in a neighborly way, I offered, “If we make too much noise, let us know because none of the people staying there before ever said anything.” But what I should have said is this, “NEVER let us know if we make too much noise.”

I tried to think up a sexy way to say, “Let’s not go into the bedroom yet. I have to find the airpump first.”

Women in their 20s don’t have minds of their own; they don’t gain wisdom until menopause!

PICT0580

Fat and gassy: does that sound glamorous to you, Stacy Ferguson?

He shuffled into his house and shut the door behind him and if I could have struck him down just with dirty looks alone, he wouldn’t have made it to the porch.

Have you ever heard that phrase? Butter face? Like in, “Everything about her was fine but-her-face?”

swing, swing

I’m trying to think of a witty name to call the escrow idiots. Es-hoes? Doesn’t work. That sounds like I’m dissing some latinas. Break out the cervezas ’cause es hoes esta aqui! Note to self: must hone biting comments, need not be bilingual.

If someone had told me two years ago, “Mona, don’t spend $171 on MAC makeup because you’ll need that money for your unborn child,” I would have said, “You shut your mouth with that baby talk. They’re offering FREE SHIPPING!”

in a past life...

I guess this is what they mean when they say there are a lot of boobs in Washington

Truth is, I’ll never be able to begin a sentence with, “I was shopping at Nordstorm’s the other day…”

But what they did instead was draw some acid-trip math equation, some circles that look like butts and initials.

After watching the Sopranos series finale last night, I have one question for David Chase: Um, the hell?

belly

…what kind of woman waits in a parking lot until 9PM for a car that may or may not show up? (Answer: streetwalker!)

She asked me once, “So, do you WAWK?” And I said yes because I wasn’t sure if she had asked me if I walk or if I work because yes, I work and to get to my work, I call upon my mobility.

I can just imagine sharing with my moms group how I had paced the toy aisle at Target, and how it was between the penis and the Sit-to-Stand Giraffe and as you can see, the wang definitely won out.

the light fantastic

only comic standing

GODZIRRA!

Happy Indepants Day!

On the weekends, we have custody of my mother.

When I was 13, I committed the requisite teen errors in judgment such as the time I decided to show off the new dance move I learned from MTV’s The Grind which in retrospect, should have been called, “The Slutty Limbo.”


When I was pregnant, I shared my wish for our unborn child with Mike: “I hope he has your eyes and my brain.”

A letter to my teenage self

the customer is always right, unless it’s my mother

I can’t talk with my foot in my mouth

I celebrate my alma mater through a variety of UW-emblazoned sweatshirts, t-shirts and single bumper sticker. But my husband? He paints the inside of our garage purple and gold.

“It’s not ‘who can pee now.’ It’s ‘who can it be now.’”

“Of course I’m not pregnant!” The minute I said that, the voice of God bellowed, “Hello, Mona? Did you know denial is a river in Egypt? Just some geography trivia for you!”

diagram fun

Even if I said, “Well, sometimes I drop him off at the taco truck on the corner,” they’d say, “Oh that’s great. He’ll be able to order burritos in Spanish! HOLLA! I mean, HOLA!”

I need a mother who still has stories about debauchery and no-gag reflex victories and geez, would they get off Britney’s back already?

I told Mike last night, “I would like to have another baby. But it doesn’t have to be with you.”

this is what you get when you marry me

This afternoon was the first time for me to experience the magic that is the Hot Doctor.

i caught some boys


In which I stared at a lot of boobs but in a non-lesbonic way, though there’s nothing wrong with that ’cause, hey, everyone experiments freshman year

Children, did you know that all Africans are all about their hair! Yes, it’s true! There was also a civil war over a coke bottle that fell from the sky! Also true!

mourning.

there was much swearing when this happened


I opted for the Mirena IUD instead of the copper version after hearing so many stories about copper wire theft. It’s desperate times, people!

Nathan the chicken

Because kissing is a gateway to whoring and whoring is a gateway to blogging. About whoring.

On Iowa and why I can’t take narcotics

I want the space and freedom to freak out. I want to have the ability to tell someone there’s something wrong but we’re working on it.

animal kingdom

We’re raising a homeless man. What’s that? Your son is going to be a doctor? My son is going to be a transient.

can he hear me now?

oysters!?!

Two more life lessons from Tupac: 1) how to make a dollar out of fifteen cents and 2) California sounds a lot cooler if you pronounce it “Californ-i-a.”

Why I refuse to watch Desperate Housewives

morning

mona, interrupted

heart

December 28, 2007 | Filed Under Uncategorized | 12 Comments 

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