The other week I was at an open mic that was already having a rough start. The two women who went up before me both went over their time. This place gave comics three minutes and at two minutes, a red light goes on in the background so you know when to wrap it up. When the light goes out, you end your set even if you’re not done and if you continue, music will play to drown you out or your mic will be cut off. It’s considered rude and amateurish to keep going, especially when there are about 35 other people waiting to get on stage.

One lady went through a list of sexual fetishes but asked the audience, “Who doesn’t like fisting!?” as if this crowd of mostly polite Seattleites would holler at the chance to show their solidarity for kink. (wouldn’t an fistbump in the air be more appropriate? Right?!) The other lady also went over and also went heavy on the sex subject, but wasn’t funny. Sex is so easy to talk about but when it’s more crude than crafted, I want to take a screwdriver to my eardrum so I don’t have to hear it.

So when I went up, it was still pretty early in the evening. I made a few mistakes, the biggest one being I let the first two ladies affect what I was going to say. I changed up my set list right away to more mom jokes, fewer sexy ones, nothing about fists.

I got a joke wrong and it rattled me so much that it wasn’t until the very end that I got a laugh. But until I had closed, there wasn’t a single heh or ha, there was silence. And it felt awful. Awful. Awful! It felt like I was this big idiot with clownish makeup and the question, “What am I doing here?!” played in my mind. But I made it through, thanked people for my time, said my name and scurried off stage.

I know not every time will be magical or as awesome as it was to perform on Saipan and that there will be other times I lose people or I have an off-night and that all comes with this crazy territory called stand-up.

So dear Internet friend, if you do want to see me be funny, check out some shows I’m doing below. I know you’ll laugh because we are friends and your hair is so nice and shiny today. Also: have you been working out?

The 4Gs
University District Theater
5510 University Way NE
Seattle, WA 98105
Wednesday, May 30
8 PM
$5 tickets at the door

Joker’s Night Comedy Show
Stonegate Pizza and Rum Bar
5419 S. Tacoma Way
Saturday, June 9th
8 PM
$12 tickets at the door
21+

Thirsty Thursdays at Darrell’s Tavern
18041 Aurora Avenue N
Shoreline WA 98133
Thursday, June 21
Free. 21+

I’ve posted this here before, but it’s timeless and the exact illustration of my life and nothing rings truer than: “NOT BAD FOR TWO KIDS.”

Also true, everything in this eerily accurate routine:

I can’t staaaaand it!

My firstborn is six years old, so we celebrated his birthday at Chuck E. Cheese’s. Despite his massive eye roll in the photo above, he actually enjoyed himself. We kept it very small, just my brother’s family and us. There was cake and pizza and enough tokens to keep Nathan and his cousin busy for the afternoon.

Six years ago I was graduating from college. Nathan was a month old and we took him to my small department graduation ceremony. We were all given cards with our name as well as any accomplishments we wanted to share. Some people mentioned grad school or Honor Society status, but I added a line so when I went on stage, everyone heard the announcer say, “And she also had a baby boy four weeks ago!” I beamed and bowed for the applauding crowd. I would have held Nathan up to the sky like he was Simba in The Lion King.

He’s full of life (“I need to turn on all the lights, Mommy. I need energy”) and bravado and is everything I thought a little boy would be. I am constantly stunned and exhausted and excited to see him, especially when I hear him burst through the door, yelling, “MOMMY! I’M HERE!”

Someone at his school called him a genius so I asked him what genius means. He said, “It means you’re really smart.” He paused then added, “Do you want to be smart some day, Mommy?”

“Oh, it’s too late for me, son. It’s too late.”

Happy birthday my sweet boy.

Today is my husband’s birthday! Continuing in the tradition of asking you beautiful people to leave a birthday message for my husband, could you beautiful people leave a birthday message for my husband?

Mike is a dedicated college teacher who has inspired thousands of students during his career. He is a true educator and spends countless hours teaching, grading, volunteering and being an awesome professor, life partner and father of two.

This year he was featured in a news story about writers who help incarcerated juveniles through poetry. It’s amazing.

Stay golden, birthday boy.

Happy Friday!!

Yesterday I went to an incredible party at the Mane Blow Dry Bar located downtown Seattle. I had heard about the concept of blow outs, mostly on celebrity blogs and tv shows, but I have never tried it out. In my real life, my beauty tools are my Chi flat iron and yelling at my kids to get out of the bathroom, mommy needs to have some time alone, please.

The party was to promote Cascade Ice, a zero-calore sugar-free flavored sparkling water. Cascade Ice Water is based north of Seattle and offers 21 flavor combinations (orange mango! acai blueberry pomegranate!) for people looking for healthy alternatives to sugar and sodium laden beverages. We were served glasses of their low calorie cocktails like a margarita that was delicious and had fewer than 100 calories. If you’re like me, your margarita hand is never empty and your caloric intake looks like a phone number. It doesn’t have to be this way!

With a drink this healthy, one or three chocolate covered strawberries aren’t that bad of an option. Especially if you’re running away from your kids to keep them from eating your fancy desserts.

We were treated to some fancy hair treatment. Mane Blow Dry Bar offers variety of blowout styles, like “va va voom” which I wanted immediately. Go big (hair) or go home, I say. I wasn’t sure this was even possible because though I came in with hair that resembled Rastafarian dreads without any of the cool reggae music.

My before and after. Wowza, right? I drank a low-calorie cosmopolitan to celebrate even though someone should have opened up a bottle of champagne because WHEN DO I EVER LOOK LIKE THIS?

My stylist Christina gave me a sample style. She used a curling iron and a brush even though I’m sure if she could, she would have used some tools from Home Depot to get through my bird’s nest hair. If it looked this good as a sample, the full deal would make me look like Miss Universe, right?

It was so much fun to meet new bloggers and see friends. I saw Carrie again! The last time was at another blogger event during which I held her son Ethan in my lap for two hours and loved it because unlike other children who sit in my lap (just mine, really, I’m not Santa Claus) he sat peacefully and played Angry Birds like good children do.

Awww look at me and Shera! How this woman stays so beautiful with having a house full of boys is beyond me.

I met Jennifer who told me that couponing wasn’t as terrifying as it seemed, especially since her website lays it out for dummies like me who can’t answer simple math questions without running away so no one can see me count on my fingers.

The PR guru who put this party together was the stunning Jessica Nuñez who is not only a mom (STOP IT!) but also has an iPad with Fleetwood Mac music loaded and I wanted to yell at her, “Stop being my dream BFF!”

I spoke with Judith Winquist, who owns Mane with her daughter Kate. She was so fun and delightful and I hugged her even though I wanted to whisk her away to the nearest bar and buy her as many margaritas as she wanted.

After my hair was done, Judith opened up the lookbook of hairstyles and said, “You look like J. Lo!” And I wanted to say, “That’s the meanest thing anyone has ever said about J. Lo but the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me!” I also wanted to say, “Yeah we’re like twins, the movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito.” (And spoiler alert, I’m Danny DeVito in this nonsense analogy. Obviously.) Instead, I just blushed and tried to hold back from banging on the window at people walking by and yelling, “LOOK AT MY HAIR! LOOK! LOOK!”

I left with my thrist quenched and my hair coiffed, glowing all the way home and trying to figure out when I would be back to have my hair done. If I could, I would be writing this entry from the stylist’s chair because I would need her from here to eternity to keep this beauty dream going.

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?! Look at my hair friends. Look. I will have to sleep standing up from now on. I had tasty healthy drinks and a head of hair that I need to photograph to remember what it was like to look this good.

Thank you Cascade Ice Waters and Mane Blow Dry Bar for making a regular night in Seattle a Seattle Soiree!

For more information on Cascade Ice Water, visit their website.

For more information on Mane Blow Dry Bar, visit their website.

This is a fun song to dance to, especially when you’re alone and you don’t realize that your neighbors can look into your living room because you didn’t close the blinds all the way. It might have happened to me. I might have just been wearing my Garfield shirt that says, “I HATE MONDAYS.”

Gotye – Eyes Wide Open

Everyone is still loving Gotye’s romantic wails in “Somebody I Used to Know,” but I’m loving this song and especially the line: “We walk the plank with our eyes wide open.” That’s how I’ve been approaching life and plank walking. The blindfold gets in the way.

Black Keys – 10 Cent Pistol

If I ever take up strip tease aerobics as an exercise and give up my current routine of crying in front of the fridge and yelling, “THERE’S NOTHING I CAN EAT!” this would be my jam.

What are you listening to?

While I was on Saipan, I finally met Angelo Villagomez! I have been reading Angelo’s blog for years and have always enjoyed his writing and rockstar environmentalist lifestyle. He’s frank and funny and always has stunning photos of home.

Our meeting was so brief that I didn’t get to tell him I like his blog or thank him for introducing me to the very funny videos of Hard Gay (not safe for work? Do you work for a company that makes bingo cards for Catholic church halls?):

So I met Angelo! Whooooo!

My sister Arlene visited Seattle this weekend. It was really nice to spend some time with my oldest sister especially since the weather was just gorgeous. Seattle’s normal gray clouds burned off and I was treated to the only day in 2012 so far wherein I could wear shorts, until a few hours later when it dark again and I was freezing and feeling stupid for thinking that shorts with a two inch denim inseam were appropriate for Washington. Shorts weather and family time, so fleeting.

She and I made a run to Hong Kong Market in Kent to pick up some supplies for our other Chamorro guests who were craving to chew pugua. I don’t chew, though I tried it once when I was a teenager and did not like it at all, mostly because the pepper leaf was too intense and my delicate palette at that time could not handle more than mint-flavored toothpaste.

However, chewing pugua is very common on Saipan but it’s hard to find the betel nut, pepper leaf and lime stone paste stateside unless you have an Asian store in your neighborhood. You can also buy these items from mytenda.com, run by my sister and greatest nino ever/brother-in-law Will, which is the best online source to order local goods for locals missing home.

My son and his cousin Alejandro made good use of the red velvet cupcakes. I think political debates from hereon should involve cupcake eating. It would make their discourse more entertaining to watch. You want to talk to me about your plan to revive the economy? First, put this cupcake in your mouth, whole.

Isabella went around to make sure that other little kids were clear to get into the jacuzzi. Di’s son Kaleo passed inspection.

I love this picture of the three of us, even if it’s missing our sister Bobbie. It looks like we are a family that sells car stereos. Or better yet, we look like we run a pawn store in Vegas. I’d be the one who would tell you that the stamp you dropped $1500 on is worth only $50 or that Ming Dynasty vase is made from chicken wire and gauze. I’m okay with that role.

How was your weekend?

So I immediately I thought, maybe he’s from Saipan! I’m from Saipan! I bolted into SEXY FACE MODE, eyeing him and giving the Lucille Bluth wink (which is really my wink in 40 years) but I still couldn’t make out his face.

More weird squint-winking and the light turned green. As my car passed his, I then realized that it was not the CNMI Flag that I was eyeing with its mysterious driver, it was a bright blue handicap parking permit:

So all this to say: I need glasses and HOW YOU DOING HOTTIE WITH LIMITED MOBILITY? I’ll hold your oxygen tank any day.