wine and whine

When Thanksgiving was over, I was ready to go back to regularly scheduled complaining about trivial things instead of focusing on my own life, like how I scroll through a mom’s group on facebook because they say the most privileged too much money new mom things like, “Is $1,000 too much to spend on a chair?” YES! Or “Am I spending too much money on groceries? Are you all spending $1,200 on organic gluten free hand spun agave cobwebs like I do?!” NO. I have to get my cobwebs from the dumpster because I’m on a budget. 
The group is mostly new moms which is great. For them. I’m glad they have a place. Even one where you can wag your wallet around in privilege-laden threads about fancy grocery stores and not one motherloving person says, “Sometimes I get the wine on super sale so I can drink more at home!” 
But the older my kids are, the more I feel out of place by these groups–not like I felt I had a place when my babies were babies. There were a few women I liked. But very few in the world of motherhood that swallowed me up, pitted me against women who had much more than I had and for a very small time I thought I could be in that world, too. I bought a bugaboo off Craigslist, fancier tags at thrift stores, on and on. It was exhausting. 

When I had TJ, I didn’t feel the need to pretend I was shopping in neighborhoods with respectable zip codes. It was still there though, and still is, I was too exhausted with two kids to place myself in a world I didn’t belong, in a life where my worries were about diaper bags and if the pilates studio also had childcare. But sometimes when I’m too honest, when I share too much, when I think I’m passing on a tip, I get a look of rejection like, “Oh I wouldn’t buy my wine on sale, but good for you, Mona!”    

  
  And then I log off facebook, tuck my phone away and find some people who are kind, who are funny and offer wine that is equally wonderful with labels that might be fancy but in each glass swirls the comforting words, “We’re fancy enough for each other, Mona. Cheers.” 

thanks and tribulations

Thanksgiving was love love lovely. Despite it being the first Thanksgiving in two years without my mom to celebrate, I made a lot of food and only managed to screw up the stuffing. I added too much water or butter or whatever but it didn’t look like any recipe unless I was trying to make wet dog food.    
Anyway! We had a nice Thanksgiving lunch of human dishes and desserts with a turkey I successfully seasoned with my two hands. Then had to wash my hands because I wanted to look at my phone then I seasoned and prepared then I washed my hands again because I had to look at my phone once more. I am a broken human with unlimited data but I am still thankful.

  
This has been a long month. A long ass emotionally trying, crying, ripping, long breath kind of month. My mom had surgery, she flew back to Saipan, we survived parent-teacher conferences for both kids, I made some hard decisions and audibly shamed a beer shelf at the grocery store because I didn’t agree with the price. And I also had to google, once again, what side of the turkey is the breast side. I’m not proud. 

  
But my boys were sweet and said things like, “I love you my beautiful mommy,” and I don’t know what YouTube video they lifted that from but I’ll take off the restrictions if I get more lines like that. I love them so much and these days of young childhood are so fleeting–when they’re both here, sleeping on bunkbeds, wearing each other’s shirts: the young one with sleeves long as a wizard’s, the older one in a shirt tight enough for Cabo spring break. 

  
I want more days like this, more of Christmas light watching, diner eating, Halloween movie watching, new shoe shuffling life with jokes and gripes and these boys who give me material every day. 

  

November isn’t over but I am  ready to put up the tree and say hello to more of this kind of celebration. 

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